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03 December 2013 @ 07:56 pm
Six Little Lights  
This evening, I went to the annual menorah-lighting ceremony down at the Wayvern Community Center-- it's the first year it hasn't coincided with the first night of Hanukkah but, given the timing, it's completely understandable. I've been looking forward to it with a tenacity perhaps a bit more intense than truly necessary but, for me, Hanukkah allows for an amazing lateral sleight-of-hand. Now you're in the maelstrom and crush of holiday madness, marketing, family, and retail; now you've slipped behind the glass, to some quiet place G-d has cleaved out of the chilly night and competing, blaring music systems. It's supposed to be a family holiday, but it's always just me there. I'll be honest and admit that I sometimes feel a little sorry for this, but not much. It's my space, and I need it. I sit on a bench and eat my latke; I watch the kids dance and chase each other, and… be kids. The Rabbi says the blessings, a boy and girl from the Hebrew School help light the giant menorah. They have a petting zoo for the kids (nothing says 'Happy Hanukkah' like a llama? ^_^'), which results in about as many cavity-inducing cute and zany moments as you can imagine. Sometimes I see a child or parent I know from my time at Lichfield, or the local public school. That's about as close as I get to really participating, but it's nice to watch.

I'm having a hard time with this holiday season in particular, and I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's because I've been in a lot of pain lately (my most recent migraine lasted 52 hrs, and ended in a trip to the doctor), maybe it's stress from work, or I might just have myself wound up in anticipation of the inevitable family drama. I'm trying to pull myself together, get my head down, and power through it, with varying degrees of success. (Sitting at my desk this morning crying probably doesn't qualify. ^^) But I need to have something to believe in, outside all the plastic nonsense and head-long crash into zealous consumerism. I'm not looking down on people who want to give and get gifts-- I want to do the same. I'm not looking down on anyone who wants to enjoy the holiday in a secular manner, since that's mostly what I do. I just get frustrated with all the packaging-- all the horrible, petty evil I see as a part of my job, and all the vapid human nastiness that coalesces around retail this time of year.

I don't need or want you to believe in G-d, in any of His/Her guises. I don't need you to observe or adhere to anything. But all of these festivities started because the winter gets dark and cold, and human beings wanted to remind themselves that the light can/will come back-- literally, metaphorically, and metaphysically. Maybe it sounds trite, but that's what I want; to anticipate a turn for the better, and to have people I care about to wait and keep watch with me.

I love you guys. I hope you're all able to find a measure of peace and contentment this holiday-- I hope you know I believe we all deserve it.

Love,
Meredith

.
 
 
Emotional Temperature: contemplativecontemplative
The Band Plays:: "Forget December"-- by Something Corporate
 
 
 
gamesiplay: lovegamesiplay on December 4th, 2013 02:13 am (UTC)
Well so yeah this made me cry. But mostly in a good way. <3

I hope the same for you.
Meredith Bronwen Mallory: friendsgarnettrees on December 6th, 2013 01:58 am (UTC)
*hugs* I didn't mean to make you cry, but I hope it was at least a little cathartic. And I'm glad that the emotion I was trying to communicate came through. I love my friends-- sometimes you guys are what gets me through the holidays and other rough times, blood-family be damned. <3

Is there a prompt-- for fic or art-- you'd like me to do for Christmas? I'd be thrilled to exchange gifts that way, this year. ^_^
-Meredith

Edited at 2013-12-06 02:00 am (UTC)
gamesiplay: Hannibalgamesiplay on December 6th, 2013 08:29 am (UTC)
FUNCTION WITH RELATIVE EASE
Oh, definitely somewhat cathartic. This was lovely--

But all of these festivities started because the winter gets dark and cold, and human beings wanted to remind themselves that the light can/will come back-- literally, metaphorically, and metaphysically. Maybe it sounds trite, but that's what I want; to anticipate a turn for the better, and to have people I care about to wait and keep watch with me.

Yes. <3

Oh man. I would love to give you a prompt! Let me think about it?
(Also, I don't know if you even remember this anymore, it was so long ago, but waaay back in the summer around your birthday, you gave me a prompt so I could write you a birthday thing. Obviously that didn't happen during your birthday month, or even your birthday season, but, uh... in the past two weeks-ish I went back to it and got re-inspired and have actually been writing it. I haven't been talking about it because I'm so afraid to jinx the fact that I'm sort of doing Serious Prose for the first time since I lost the notebook with most of that Hannibal story in it. So I hope to have that in at least a presentable-to-you form soon, and then it'll really be an exchange! :D)
gamesiplay: Hannibalgamesiplay on December 8th, 2013 03:30 am (UTC)
Okay! Obviously this comes with no obligations attached, and if the prompt doesn't work for you or isn't specific enough, I can give you something else. Buuut if the spirit moves you, I would love something about Will in the hospital after "Roti"? Because I am apparently JUST THAT MUCH of a glutton for punishment. :D
Meredith Bronwen Mallory: love1garnettrees on December 9th, 2013 03:09 am (UTC)
Obviously that didn't happen during your birthday month, or even your birthday season, but, uh... in the past two weeks-ish I went back to it and got re-inspired and have actually been writing it.
I'm so glad to hear you're writing again. Honestly, best news I've heard this week. *hugs* It was never an obligation, but I would of course be thrilled to see it when/if you're ready.

I haven't been talking about it because I'm so afraid to jinx the fact that I'm sort of doing Serious Prose for the first time since I lost the notebook with most of that Hannibal story in it.
I completely understand. I've been giving myself fits of performance anxiety because I haven't written in a while and it feels like it won't flow, and that's just from being too embroiled in work. I know how important that notebook was to you. *hugs* I will be sending good karma your way.

Buuut if the spirit moves you, I would love something about Will in the hospital after "Roti"? Because I am apparently JUST THAT MUCH of a glutton for punishment. :D
Hooooly shit, Leigh. Hospitalized Will, who is just barely beginning to see through the haze deception and personal demons, plus lurking and seemingly attentive bedside!Hannibal? That's just deadly. I think I can do it-- I'd be thrilled to try. BECAUSE HE MADE WILL CHICKEN SOUP.

I had this dream the other day: Will was n his cell, deliberately turned towards the wall even as he was talking to Lecter. He said, very calmly (in response to something I either don't remember, or my brain didn't provide), "I didn't ask how you screwed me, I asked you why."

I must have gotten my fannish wires crossed, because that's actually a line from Crusade, but I woke up thinking, 'that is an excellent question, Will'!

I think my heart is going to need significant fortifications to watch season two. Maybe a moat.
... with sharks.

<3
-Meredith
gamesiplay: Hannibalgamesiplay on December 9th, 2013 08:24 am (UTC)
Hospitalized Will, who is just barely beginning to see through the haze deception and personal demons, plus lurking and seemingly attentive bedside!Hannibal? That's just deadly. I think I can do it-- I'd be thrilled to try. BECAUSE HE MADE WILL CHICKEN SOUP.

WORDS CANNOT EVEN EXPRESS

HOW EXCITED I AM ABOUT THIS.

I mean, of course if it doesn't end up inspiring you to write anything, I won't be disappointed at all--I'm just glad you like the prompt even in theory. Because, yeah: this show.

Will was n his cell, deliberately turned towards the wall even as he was talking to Lecter. He said, very calmly (in response to something I either don't remember, or my brain didn't provide), "I didn't ask how you screwed me, I asked you why."

fafkfdkmdkldsfklfsdklfdlkfd

I wish all of your dreams were fic, Meredith. :)

(by the way, on a semi-related note: have you read that long, looong post-finale fic on AO3 about incarcerated Will and Hannibal coming to see him that could literally be canon? I had to stop reading it a few chapters in because I was legitimately afraid it might spoil me for S2. That's how believable it is.)

Finally:

I think my heart is going to need significant fortifications to watch season two. Maybe a moat.
... with sharks.


I've actually just started wondering about this, too. I think that up until recently, I was still feeling too, y'know, emotionally eviscerated by S1 to even consider What Comes Next... especially because, if the show stays at all faithful to Harris-canon, eventually What Comes Next is HORRIBLE and I don't know if I can handle that. (I mean, on an aesthetic and probably masochistic level I hope it stays very faithful to Harris-canon because I'm a sucker for no-holds-barred nihilistic tragedy, but with this Will and this Hannibal, emotionally that might kill me.) But yes--season two. I'm finally starting to get a little excited about the dramatic possibilities even as I recognize that it will probably carve my heart out of my chest and eat it raw. (I was going to say, "Much as Hannibal would," but obviously Hannibal would sauté my heart in butter and garlic first. I mean, I just don't think my heart is sushi-quality.)

Edited at 2013-12-09 08:26 am (UTC)
Amberminttown1 on December 4th, 2013 02:14 am (UTC)
We do all deserve it. <3
Meredith Bronwen Mallory: 4400garnettrees on December 6th, 2013 02:00 am (UTC)
I think it's important to remember that. Another one of my mantras, right after in excelsis deo _damn it_. <3
(Deleted comment)
Meredith Bronwen Mallorygarnettrees on December 6th, 2013 02:00 am (UTC)
*hugs back* Thank you!
hab318princess: Hab 3:18hab318princess on December 5th, 2013 08:50 am (UTC)
you have put that so well and wish you the same peace and contentment this holiday

Meredith Bronwen Mallory: hugsgarnettrees on December 6th, 2013 02:01 am (UTC)
Thank you, my dear. *hugs*
gamesiplay: friendsgamesiplay on December 17th, 2013 05:48 am (UTC)
I finally figured out what this post reminded me of:

"The Atheist Christmas Carol," Vienna Teng
Meredith Bronwen Mallory: friendsgarnettrees on December 18th, 2013 02:52 am (UTC)
I'm not going to lie, I started crying about halfway through that song. And I needed that-- to hear those words, and have that moment of catharsis. I didn't realize how much until just then.

It's a beautiful song. I have Teng's "Lullaby for a Stormy Night", but this is far and away her most gorgeous piece.

Thank you. *hugs so tight*
gamesiplay: friendsgamesiplay on December 18th, 2013 04:20 am (UTC)
Oh, I'm so glad you liked it (and that you didn't already know it)! It's so heartbreakingly lovely, isn't it? And what you wrote is such a perfect complement.

(Also, if you ever want a primer on Gorgeous Vienna Teng Songs, you know where I am. ;D)