Meredith Bronwen Mallory (garnettrees) wrote,
Meredith Bronwen Mallory

  • Mood:

"He's here from Military Intelligence." // "That's a contradiction in terms."

[Reposted because Meredith apparently doesn't know the difference between the 'edit' and 'delete' buttons. ^^;]

A series of open letters, because it might actually make things more simple than a plain narrative. Shamelessly gacked from my Leigh-darling, who does this much better than I do. ^_^;;

What is sarcastic humor for, if not defusing holiday stress?

Dear LC,

I'm so glad that you're doing well at boot camp. I'm thrilled that you still feel loved/comfortable enough to want to spend your Christmas Exodus with your 'Ohio Family', instead of going back to RI with your mom. Believe me, we're all happy to have you and eager to see every bit of your illogical, slightly-crazy 6'1 self. The girls are out of their little minds trying to get everything perfect. That being said, I really, really think you should have discussed this matter with your mother first. She is pissed, and while you're safely out of range in Fort Jackson, surrounded by drill sergeants, M16A2's, and other military paraphernalia.... I'm not.

Please fly safely.
Your Cousin,

Dear Aunt L---

I understand that you're upset your son isn't coming home to see you during Christmas Exodus. You need to understand that you're the one who dumped him in Ohio without so much as a by-your-leave, to him or the family members you stranded him with. We all managed to make a go of the arrangement-- though I'm not going to pretend it was easy-- and we are now closer for it. So don't you dare take out your resentment on me. He was in Fort Jackson, with a credit card and a DS looking him in the eye asking him where he wanted to book a flight to. No one was there to sway him. He decided for himself-- and the place he chose says a lot. If you have a problem with that, you need to talk to him.

Stop calling me! You hypocritical bitch.
Your kind of resentful niece,

Dear Rest-of-My-Family,

Stay out of this. I mean it. If you do, we might manage to get through this holiday season without any bloodshed. Novel concept.

With all due filial piety,

Dear Nameless Co Scheduling Team,

Thanks so much for switching my shift on Friday December 17th from 7:00am-6:00 pm to 1:15pm-12:15am. With less than two days notice! It's really great how you initially inconvenienced me by switching me to first shift, and then did me an even greater disservice by switching me to third. Now I can't meet LC at the airport! Now I can't take Justine to her friend's Christmas party! Now the first time I'll actually see LC after 52 days will probably be after he sleeps off jet-lag and culture shock. I know that everything in retail needs to be flexible during the holidays, but I'm not a yo-yo I notice that you gave yourselves the whole weekend off. You suck.

A disgruntled employee.

*smiles widely* We can do this, right? RIGHT?

Glooo-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-ria! In excelsis Deo, damnit.^_~;;;

  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.