Log in

No account? Create an account
23 April 2014 @ 06:17 pm
/ don't change for anyone / don't change, just lie /  
So, my brother broaches the subject of having to put our fourteen year old Yorkie down. It's somewhat germane, as he's been eating less (but I talked to the doc and am changing his food) and is on heart pills. I know we don't have as long as we once did, and that every day is a blessing.


My brother tells me that if it becomes necessary to put Murray down (because he's in pain, ect), that he's going to just do it on the spot, not bring him home or wait for me.

And he needs to know I won't be mad at him for that.

... One day I am going to explode because I don't properly express my anger.

Emotional Temperature: depresseddepressed
The Band Plays:: "Note to Self: Don't Die"-- by Ryan Adams
Amberminttown1 on April 23rd, 2014 10:51 pm (UTC)
That's just awful from like ten different angles, I'm so sorry. :(
Meredith Bronwen Mallory: 4400garnettrees on April 24th, 2014 12:03 am (UTC)
*hugs* Thank you. At least I know my reaction isn't crazy or unreasonable. I told him in my nicest, calmest tone of voice that I would "very much like to be afforded the opportunity to say goodbye, if at all possible". Which, when translated, comes down to of course I'll be mad you twisted fuck.

gamesiplay: dogsgamesiplay on April 24th, 2014 06:48 am (UTC)
.......I don't even.

There are so many things about this that just DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE that I can't even list them. I'm sorry--that is so ridiculous. I hope he understands now that there's no way that's okay with you?
Meredith Bronwen Mallory: hugsgarnettrees on April 25th, 2014 02:03 am (UTC)
*hugs* Thank you for saying this. Sometimes, with the way my family reacts to things, I wonder if I'm not the problem-- it's nice to have an external sanity check.

I don't think he understands anything, to be honest. I told him, in my nicest tone of voice, that I would "very much like to be afforded the opportunity to say goodbye, if at all possible". He asked later if I was mad at him. I think he knows I'm not happy... does he care enough to let that impact his behavior? I don't know.

I'm so torn. I don't like thinking about anything happening to Murray, though I know it's inevitable. I don't want him to be put down alone, without me. I don't know if my brother would stay. If he dies naturally, at home, chances are it will be in the night, or while we're gone at work. If it's at night, he'll be sleeping in his little nest, happy, with his family, and it'll just... fade out. Chances are, I will see the body-- bad, for all the obvious reasons, but 'good' in the sense that he won't just disappear for me, with no closure.

If it's while we're at work, and I come home first... I don't know how I'll react. If it's my brother, I know that-- by the time I get home-- there won't be a trace left. That's his way of dealing with things. I don't like the thought of being alone when he dies, even if he's just sliding into it from sleep.

There's no good solution for this. I wish it didn't have to happen at all-- which is, of course, true for everyone who has loved another living creature, human or animal. But my brother's attitude is not helping. I know that, whatever I feel, it will need to be compressed for (probably not entirely healthy) expression later on. For whatever reason, I am not one of the people in this family who is allowed to have feelings in front of others. *tight smile*

Sorry for the rambling... I just... I keep praying that G-d will post-pone this as long as possible, and help it happen in the most natural, least painful way for Murray when it does have to happen. I'm going to be wreck, no matter what.

Thank you for listening.